Dear Dad
Dad,
I don’t know what it’s like to grow up without a father
That’s something I have only you to thank for
When I was a kid, I didn’t think much about having a father
Someone to leave, and get home from work
Someone to tell me, turn off the lights
Someone to shell out a few bucks for the movies or bowling
Someone to tell me, no
… A LOT
Who you were on the surface, was mostly a source of frustration to me
But, when you’re a child, you don’t always get to see behind the curtain
I knew you loved me
I knew you were working to provide
I knew you had to give your time and energy elsewhere
But, when you’re a child, this doesn’t make up for the fact that your dad’s not there
Today I’m a man, and I’ve been having a really hard time dealing with the fact that you weren’t
I’ve actually been quite angry at you, feeling like you never noticed me
You looked at me
But you never really saw me
Losing my own family has shined a light on how I feel
I never had a family when I was young
I had a dad
I had a mom
I had brothers and sisters
Cousins and friends
But I always sort of felt I was alone
Raising myself
Teaching myself
Failing myself
For a while this year, I was angry
I was sad
I was broken
But I didn’t want to stay this way
I didn’t want my bitterness to become an altar
So I’ve been working dad
Ive been working hard to make sense of my life and my purpose here on earth
Ive been working hard on forgiving
Ive been working hard on healing
Can I tell you what I’ve learned?
What I’ve learned is that we’re very different, you and I
I’ve learned there are things you see either black or white, where I see gray
There are ways of operating that you see as systematically right, which I find impossible to bare
I see that, too many times, I come to you only when I need help
The same way most of us go to god
When things are good, you don’t hear from me
When things are bad, guess what god, I need a loan
I need help fixing the car
But I realized something this week
See, you’re not just a dad
You’re also a human
And humans are funny this way
All we really want is to be seen and appreciated for what we are
Sure, what we do might be a series of blunders and fuck ups
But WHAT we are, is tiny pieces of God, individually doing our best to manifest It’s glory
Just cause you’re my dad, doesn’t mean you don’t, maybe, carry the pain that I’ve caused you
Just cause you’re my dad, doesn’t mean you have to be the one to reach out and plan things with me
This may not all make perfect sense
I’m just trying to get some thoughts out of my heart and sometimes words are no good for such a task
What I do know is this
I don’t want to spend any more time being mad about a past neither of us can change
Believe me, your sacrifice is not lost on me
Thank You
But see, I didn’t know I needed more
Back then, when I was a kid
I didn’t know I needed more until just lately
So rather than complain about the more that wasn’t there
I’m asking you to create some time for more together now
And tomorrow
And the next day and the next day and the next day
We may not be just alike you and me
But I’d really love for you to see the really beautiful things that make me, me
And I’d really love to see all the beautiful things that make you, you
And I’m so gosh darn grateful that you gave everything you gave and everything you continue to give so that I can be here and say this all to you right now
Dad, I love you
With all my heart, I’m grateful to you
I may not always do it how you would do it
But I swear with all that’s in me
I’ll make you proud
And ill carry your legacy into the future in my own special way
I know you like to always point back to god
But god’s not the one who laced up his dress shoes at four or five am each day
God’s not the one who put off his own wants and needs to pay for bread and tuition
I’m not taking anything away from him
I’m just looking down the barrel at you
And you are the hero of this story
And I’m so happy you took your own pain of being without a father and turned it into a great one for me
I love you dad
Thanks for being the hero this family needed
